This article features ten different experts giving advice on dealing with presentation anxiety. I'm number nine! Thank you to Estienne de Beer for including me in his article.

I have too much stuff. I didn’t mean to collect so much stuff. It just kind of happened. I’m not one who likes to shop yet somehow I’ve got way more stuff than I need. I know this is not that unusual. A lot of people feel this way. There’s even a show called Hoarders that addresses the extreme and obsessive nature of collecting stuff. Is this a problem? What’s the downside to having too much stuff? I just know by the end of this I will be getting out the garbage bags. 

Why do we insist on buying and collecting more than we need? Everyone has an answer and yet we still do it. “ I can’t throw away this plastic lid. Eventually the bowl it belongs to will reappear one day.” “ This worn out pillow has sentimental value. I couldn’t possibly toss it out.”  “Okay, I should give up believing that I will once again be able to fit into my size two pair of jeans.” I have been trying to manifest a smaller butt for years, it’s not happening. The jeans remind me of this everyday. 

We can’t throw things away because we spent too much money on them and that would be wasteful. Instead we spend money housing items that we will never ever use again. It’s a vicious cycle. 

We have a strange attachment to material things. It’s as if we are constantly worried that without certain items we won’t be able to survive. The idea of having just the bare necessities takes the fun out of life. We enjoy having stuff. The problem is when we don’t take the time to go through closets and bins the accumulation becomes overwhelming. It creates negative energy. We know we have to get to it, but the idea of having to go through everything is depressing. It’s time consuming and the decision to throw away things can feel paralyzing. 

It’s hard to know what to keep and what to give away. Especially if it’s something that was given to us by someone special: a parent or a child. It feels like it would be hard to remember our loved ones without it. Of course we know intellectually that’s not possible. There’s a deeper belief that getting rid of the object we would be getting rid of them as well. It’s not true, but having to face those thoughts alone is tough. 

I always recommend getting someone to help out. I find the promise of pizza and beer usually does the trick. It makes the task at hand more manageable. I actually like getting rid of things. I’ve helped family and friends purge their homes of useless items.

It’s so gratifying to see the transformation that happens in the home and for the person’s mind-set. There’s a sense of comfort and an unburdening that always takes them by surprise.

Our environment tends to reflect our mind-set. I’ve found the more I uncluttered my space the lighter I feel emotionally. There’s a sense of relief when I walk into my room and it feels like a breath of fresh air. There’s nothing weighing me down. I have a new sense of focus and clarity.  When I’m feeling anxious or overwhelmed I stop what I’m doing. I look around and see what needs to be cleaned. It could be something simply like the top of my desk or some shelves.  Once it’s done and organized I feel a sense of accomplishment. I also feel a bit more energized. I get back to the task at hand and find my concentration is better. 

The saying “You can never have enough of a good thing” really doesn’t apply to the empty box you’re holding in your hand. Yes, it’s a lovely box. You are thinking of all the wonderful things this box will eventually hold for you. Do yourself a favor and throw the box away. Trust me, you can always find another box when you really need one. Also, if the bowl hasn’t shown up by now, I think it’s safe to go ahead and toss the lid. Of course, the bowl will show up tomorrow.

I write a lot about mindfulness. I’m finding the more I can reign in my monkey mind the better I feel. Just like somebody who wants to tell you all about their weight loss in hopes of inspiring you to do the same. (Really they just want to brag). I want to share my newfound sense of confidence. (I want to brag too). It’s all about staying present. I know it’s easier said than done. I’m definitely a work in progress. I have to constantly remind myself to be aware of my thoughts and emotions. Oh, look, cookies!!

I think it’s become harder to stay in the moment when I feel like I’m being bombarded with information all the time. Of course, it’s my fault. If I’m not on my phone, then I’m on the computer. I enjoy watching television, but if a commercial comes on, then I look at FaceBook. Actually speaking and being with people is quite novel now. 

I’m waiting for a time when a group of people are together telling stories to each other. All of a sudden someone takes out their phone and everyone looks at him with disdain. One person finally says, “Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re looking at your phone! That is so 2020.” Yes, looking at your phone will not be in style anymore or saying OMG. 

I am doing my best to stay aware of my thoughts. As soon as a memory of a past event  makes its way into my consciousness I will say to myself “stop.” It keeps me from going down that rabbit hole of reliving a time that doesn’t serve me any longer. Of course, I have to remember to say “stop” to myself and not out loud, otherwise, the bartender stops pouring. I do the same thing when I start to try to predict the future. It’s not like I picture an amazing life on the beach, sipping champagne.  No, I always see myself in the middle of Armageddon. I totally rock the Mad Max look, though. 

Before the stress or anxiety kick in I remind myself to breathe. It’s amazing how quickly everything comes into focus. I look around and realize that I have everything I need. I’m healthy, all my loved ones are safe and I happen to have a bottle of champagne on a shelf. It’s a wonderful feeling when I allow myself to see how far I’ve come. My future doesn’t seem as scary because I know I won’t waste energy worrying about it. The biggest challenge I have is to stay on top of my goals. When I concentrate on the task at hand, time doesn’t have any meaning. I know that whatever challenges come my way I will tackle them head on. Being in the here and now, gives me a sense of clarity. I don’t miss ruminating over past actions. It’s also a nice break from worrying about what boots go with my futuristic chain mail outfit. 

I believe that’s why being present and practicing mindfulness has become so important to me. I’m stepping away from my computer more often and taking a walk outside. When I’m with friends I don’t take out my phone. When commercials come on, I want to say I do some stretches, but that’s not true. I still look at FaceBook. Hey, baby steps.  

Take time to look at your thoughts as they come in and out or your mind. If you get tired of changing the channels from one past or future scene try looking at what’s directly in front of you. Be aware of your breathing. Observe your surroundings. Enjoy the moment. You may be surprised to find that the person you are eating with is not on their phone. He wants to have a real conversation with you. Let’s make that the new trend. 

Feeling stuck? Yeah, me too. There’s a million ways to get unstuck, I just don’t want to do any of them. I want someone else to do it and call me when I’m really needed. Even then, maybe that person can figure out how to do it without me. I’m a motivational speaker who’s not feeling very motivated. I’m sure lots of people will really be interested in my services now. The truth is we all find it hard to stay on track. Some days it feels like we’re just banging our heads against the wall. Other days, if feels like someone should really fix that dent in the wall. I think once we understand that everyone goes through this the more we can give ourselves a break.

There are constant ebbs and flows in life. I think we believe we should be busy all the time and be productive. I can look busy and still get nothing done. My very own superpower. I don’t want to be told what to do and yet, it would be great if someone could tell me what to do. It’s times like these where we start to lose faith in ourselves. We’re so prone to self-doubt anyway. We can go down that lovely rabbit hole until we finally see ourselves alone and homeless. Maybe that’s just me. In case it’s you too, here’s some ideas that might help us both out.

The first idea that always works is meditating. Taking a few minutes to breathe deeply, with our eyes closed can make a world of difference. The endless possibilities of our life can suddenly seem possible. I still think we are in some kind of computer game. I’m stuck on a level and somehow can’t break the code that will let me move up. I blame the fact that I’ve never mastered Pong. Yes, I’m that old. Go ahead, google it, I’ll wait. Meditating puts my reality into focus. I’ve come a long way and sooner or later I’ll find my way out of the box. Of course, the whole process of frustration will start again when I realize I need the help of a seven-year-old to give me the answers to escape the dungeon. There will always be more levels to move through. 

The second idea is to try Qigong, (pronounced chee-gung) or as some people call it “Shaking of the Bones.” This exercise is a quick and easy way to alleviate stress and anxiety. For a short, five minute demonstration you can click on this link. 

There is more to this ancient Chinese practice. You can find classes in most cities. It’s a great way to learn a new technique that involves breathing, meditation and movement. I find when I do this at home it helps stop the restlessness I occasionally feel. Plus, it always makes me laugh. 

The third idea is to change the scenery. Step away from the computer and our phone. I know it’s sounds blasphemous but try it anyway. A walk outside can clear our head. I love looking out at the expanse of the ocean or at the stars. It reminds me of the endless opportunities that are out there. When I venture out, I meet interesting people. Ok, I’m using interesting as a euphemism for strange. Still, some of these conversations will spark a new thought or help with solving a problem I’ve been chewing on. Sometimes the best way to get out of our head is to go inside someone else’s. A new perspective on old ideas may be enough to feel motivated to get back on track. If anything else it reminds me how much I don’t want to be homeless. That alone motivates me to get back to work. 

A bit of downtime can be enough to recharge our batteries. We can’t live in fear and feel that if we take breaks now and again that we will never reach our goals. It’s all a process. Right now I’m still fighting a fire breathing dragon. I’m not worried. I already put a call in to my seven-year-old nephew, Kent. He’ll know what to do. 

I’m addicted to helping people. Doesn’t that sound quite grandiose and selfless?  If I’m going to take a hard look at myself, doing for others keeps me from working on myself. I don’t want to figure out what’s wrong with me. It’s too depressing. I feel better when I can put my attention on another person. It comes down to absolute procrastination on my part. Oh, I was going to work out today, but my friend needs me to listen to the horrible date she had. I was going to work on my marketing, but a friend needs me to help her organize her home. I was going to start a healthy diet, but my husband brought home cookies for me and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m such a good wife.

I was brought up to do for others. That’s a good and bad thing. It’s good when we set time aside to be there for friends and family. Doing volunteer work and giving back to the community is important. It’s bad if all we do is be on call for everyone because our value lies in being useful. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I don’t want to believe that’s why I help others but I have to admit that may be true. What if everyone finds out they really don’t need me? Does my whole sense of existence implode? Do I have to travel back in time to make sure that doesn’t happen? I watch way too much Dr. Who. 

It’s easier to be consumed with someone else’s issues. It takes the heat off of us and our problems. I’ll figure out why I’m not getting more done for my business later. I’ll implement a great strategy when I have some time for myself. I hope someone calls me soon. This “taking a look at myself’ is not comfortable at all. 

It took me a long time to set up boundaries and stop saying “yes” to every request. I felt guilty and worried that people would end up mad at me. I envisioned friends and family walking away, never to return. None of that happened, but it made me feel anxious. Little by little, I found it easier to say “no” and the apprehension started to fade. I still have to check myself because it’s easy to slip back to my old ways. I feel good when I can lend a hand. I just have to make sure it’s not at my expense and not an escape from my own job. 

Luckily for me, I decided to combine work with being of service to others. I enjoy speaking to groups and sharing tools to raise our self-esteem and confidence. It’s wonderful to see people transform in front of me and feel good about themselves. The work itself is rewarding. It’s all the unglamorous stuff, like marketing, that I have to constantly stay on top of. Fortunately, I have wonderful people in my life that take the time to rescue and guide me through it. They don’t want their existence to implode either. 

Let’s keep supporting and encouraging each other. It’s beneficial when asked, to share our experiences and give advice. We will just make sure we are doing it because we have the time. We have to remind ourselves that we are important and loved even when we have to say “no.” Unless we are talking about cookies, then the answer is always “yes.”

I grew up knowing very little about my parents’ childhood. Everything was a secret. Any questions I had for either of them was met with silence or a change of subject. Eventually, I gave up. As I got older I did get some insight from my grandmother about my mother but it wasn’t much. My father’s brother gave me a better picture of how he and his brothers grew up. The information helped me have more understanding of my father. We are all the product of our upbringing and experiences. I think if we shared more about ourselves, we would all develop a sense of compassion and empathy for each other.

We all have a story. It’s those stories that shape our perception and decision making. I’m sure you’ve seen this quote “Don’t let the past define you.” The reality is our past is what made us who we are today. I know the quote is trying to say that our future is still in our hands. We can’t let yesterday keep us from moving forward. Putting the past behind us is a good thing unless we didn’t understand the lessons we needed to learn. Events in our lives, good or bad, are there to help us grow stronger. It also gives us a unique outlook on life. 

I spoke at a women’s conference a few months ago. It was the organization’s annual meeting. The program opened with five attendees that were chosen beforehand to speak to the group. They were asked to tell the audience a little bit about themselves. Each woman spoke about their background and a synopsis of what led them to be part of the company. I was impressed with how each woman spoke about her challenges and struggles. It gave everyone a sense of how much we collectively go through in life. I recognized that sharing personal stories helps build a strong bond with each other.

I’m not saying we have to spill our guts to everyone we meet. I’m suggesting that we be a bit more open to our family, friends and co-workers. I think it helps to explain the decisions we make and how we navigate our different relationships. Understanding each other on a deeper level makes us realize that we have more in common than we first thought. I believe we would have more patience with each other. The idea of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt could prevent us from getting frustrated. 

We’ve all experienced having a bad day. It seems once one thing goes wrong the whole day becomes quicksand. We snap at our co-workers and our family. We spread our misery until it feels like the world is against us. Fun times. We can continue this way or realize we are hurting the people that we love. We are creating undue stress and anxiety. When we take a moment to be absolutely present and be mindful of our actions, we can change how we feel. We can stop and take a breath. Are we repeating an old worn out pattern from our past? Is the problem we are dealing with insurmountable? If so, ask for help. 

I’m a big believer in therapy. A professional therapist can give us the guidance we need to connect the dots of our past. Sharing old traumas can help us move into a healthier future. We can understand what is not in our control and more importantly what is. We can find out what causes us to feel anxious. We can overcome our fears. We can get the tools we need to create a successful future. 

Sharing our experiences gives us the opportunity to see them in a whole new light. We remind ourselves just how far we’ve come. We can help others by letting them know they are not alone in their private battles. Telling our story to someone just might be the message they need to help them move forward. I believe the more we give of ourselves the more we benefit. Today is my mother’s birthday and I wish I could ask her one more time to share her story with me. My advice: have a heart to heart with a loved one today. You may be surprised by how much you both learn. 

Let’s Get Lucky!

Why does it seem that some people get lucky in getting their careers off the ground while others seem to constantly struggle? When you speak to successful people, more times than not, their big break came because someone decided to take a chance on them.

I was speaking to a gentleman a few nights ago. We had just met and he was excited to tell me that he had a book coming out. He had worked on it for over seven years. He went to several publishers who all turned him down. It wasn’t until his friend, who already had two books published, offered to give him a good reference to his publisher. He finally had a solid opportunity to present his book and it was accepted. 

I’m a big believer that we create our own luck. I think that once we put in the work to develop a talent or skill we will eventually find our niche. It’s then up to us to chance rejection until we find the right fit with the right people. 

It can be frustrating and disheartening to work on a project and not get the attention it deserves. It comes down to how we perceive this whole process. If we are only focused on the success of our outcome and not the knowledge and experience we are gaining, then we are missing the point of it all. Committing to any new endeavor can be daunting because the end result is not guaranteed. No matter what, we will walk away having attained new knowledge, skills and experience. We can read and learn as much as possible but at some point, action must be taken. Sitting on the sidelines waiting for the perfect time and opportunity will keep us waiting.

No one likes to fail, but it’s the only way to learn and move ahead. Discoveries and new inventions take time, effort and risk. Putting our ideas out for the public to see and judge can be tough. We can play it safe and never share our plans with anyone. We can then look back on our life and think “What if?” I don’t know about you, but that scares me more than anything else. I want to do my best to have as few regrets as possible.

Meeting and networking with people helps put the odds in our favor that we will find a connection that moves us forward. We also need to stay in touch with the people we already know. We may be in a position to help someone and that is a great reward in itself. When we support each other, everyone benefits. 

I believe writing down our goals goes a long way in keeping us on track. It gives us a chance to visualize our main objective. It causes us to be constantly aware of what steps we need to take. The more we focus on all the wonderful possibilities life has in store for us, the more those possibilities become a reality. 

Create your own luck by staying the course and not giving up. Keep your mind open to any and all opportunities. Sometimes our paths will go in a whole new direction that we never thought about before. We suddenly find a new purpose that changes our life for the better. Be open to meeting new people. You never know whom you can help or who can help you. Stay positive that all your work and effort will pay off. Keep your regrets to a minimum. Write down your goals and the steps you need to take to get you to the finish line. Above all, enjoy everything you learn and share your experiences with others. Good Luck!!

I would like to say, in the nicest way possible, what the hell is wrong with everybody? No, not you, I mean everyone else. I’m walking down the street and the person walking towards me is looking down at his phone. Will he look up in time to avoid a collision with me or do I need to install a horn on my hip? Actually, this is not a bad idea considering this is an everyday occurrence. I’m at the laundromat taking my clothes out from the bottom dryer and almost get whacked in the head. This is because a woman decided to open the dryer door right above me. She’s completely oblivious of me standing there. I hold the door open for a line of of people coming into the store and not one person looks up at me to say thank you.

Maybe I have the power of invisibility and I don’t realize it. The sad truth is we don’t seem to value politeness anymore.

I know we can all relate to feeling that good manners are falling by the wayside. I’ve talked about this with many people and the consensus is always the same; what happened to common courtesy? Why won’t people RSVP? Why won’t people maintain a semblance of eye contact? Why won’t people call you instead of texting when you specifically ask for a phone call? (Yes, one of my pet peeves).

Can we blame technology? Hey, we all know those cat videos aren’t going to watch themselves. Can we blame our parents?  Why not, we blame them for everything else. Or do we face the horror of blaming ourselves?

I will admit that I have looked at an incoming text while walking and almost ran into someone. Luckily, she didn’t notice because she was also looking at her phone. (Damn those cat videos). It would be easy to make technology the reason we are so unaware but that really is not the case. I think we have gotten away from being present. We don’t always take the time to be in the here and now. We are too busy being distracted and not completely focused on what’s in front of us.

I was riding the subway and an elderly man got on. He was leaning on his cane and there were no empty seats. I immediately got up and offered him mine. He was surprised and smiled his thanks. I looked around and everyone was lost in a book or on their phone. No one noticed the man at all. I want to believe that if they did, more people would’ve given up their seat as well. I understand, the subway is boring to ride and everyone does their best not to make eye contact. It’s a courtesy though, to notice if someone needs help. 

Do we need to bring back Emily Post? For those of you who may not know about this wonderful author, she wrote several books including Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home. She became the voice of good manners in the roaring 20’s. 

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.  If you have that awareness, you have good manners,              no matter what fork you use.”- Emily Post

I think that quote sums it up nicely. We should all strive to have more empathy, sympathy and compassion for each other. I realize that I can only control my own actions. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when they are not choosing to be courteous. I also have to remember not to take any of it personally. I don’t know what is happening in their life that is causing them to be distracted. For me it’s a reminder to stay mindful and be observant of what is happening in front of me. 

Plus it feels good to do something nice for someone. I am happy to give up my seat for anyone. Even though I may not get a thank you, I will still hold the door for others. I will try to wait till I’m not walking to watch my favorite cat videos on my phone. I still think wearing a horn on my hip is a great idea just in case I really am invisible. 

The New Year is here. You may feel excited as to what may lay ahead or feel disappointed that it’s really just another day. I think most of us want to believe in the opportunity of renewal: a new diet, a new job, a new addiction to quit. Are we setting ourselves up for failure or do resolutions really work?

Personally, I rarely make a list of goals I want to attain in the New Year. I already know what I want to achieve. I also know that change comes about incrementally. I’ve learned to take small steps and create habits over time. I believe trying to overhaul my entire life in the first month of the year is too overwhelming. I’d rather setup easy to do plans that will result in success. Each new accomplishment encourages me to continue my progress. 

I’ve learned to change my mindset on the idea of reward and punishment. For example, I wanted to lose weight and have a healthier diet. The word diet alone makes me feel that I will never, ever, be happy again. I had to flip the script and approach my new lifestyle with a more positive spin. I started to keep track of what I was eating throughout the day. Watching the calories add up made me realize that I needed to be more mindful of what I was eating. Little by little I created delicious, satisfying meals that made me feel great. This new habit took time but it taught me that change can happen and it doesn’t have to be painful. I still have cookies once in a while and that makes life worthwhile. 

This approach of creating small goals takes out the all or nothing attitude. It’s common to start a new regimen and after a few weeks it falls by the wayside. Life gets in the way. We get too busy. We just don’t want to ride the Peloton anymore. If we decide in the beginning that no matter what, we will stick to our goal even if it means just doing it for five minutes a day. It’s an interesting trick when you put it in those terms. Once you start and see how fast five minutes really is, you may want to go longer. If not, you at least kept your promise to yourself. 

The biggest challenge I’ve taken for myself is to recognize the present moment. It’s easy to slip into the past or try to project the future. I’m either thinking about what I should’ve done or what I need to get done. This gets me nowhere. Practicing mindfulness does keep me centered. I found that  putting together a plan of action the night before helps. I do my best to focus on one task at a time. When I find myself distracted I stop and take a couple of deep breaths. I take a walk or I check to see what’s in the fridge. My hope is that the carrots have turned into cake. Either way, a short break helps me to get back on track. 

I believe New Year's Resolutions can work. Do yourself a favor and set easy to reach goals. Small accomplishments lead to life changing habits. Check in with yourself and recognize how you are feeling in the moment. Take five minutes and make yourself a priority. Write down your goals and put in place a plan of action. Take time to breathe and center yourself. Make plans to get together with your friends and family. Indulge once in a while. Love your life. 

I hope the New Year signals positive change and growth for you. I hope that throughout the year your resolve to attain new goals is strong. I hope that when you look into your fridge your carrots have magically turned into carrot cake. Happy New Year!!

This post was sent to me by my friend Frank, a very talented guitar player. For those of you who don’t know Buddy Rich, he was a phenomenal drummer. He also had a phenomenal ego. There are many stories from musicians who performed with him that revolved around his temper tantrums. 

This funny example of humility does remind me of how people deal with their sense of self-importance. In my experience, the more bravado a person shows, the more insecure the person is. Usually, though not in the case of Buddy Rich, people who try to come across as “being the best” are not very good.

I actually met Buddy Rich when I was thirteen. My parents got me tickets to see him perform live. My dad waited backstage with me, so I can get his autograph. When he finally came out, my dad got his attention. “Hi, Mr. Rich, this is my daughter. She’s taking drum lessons and she’s a big fan of yours.”

Buddy Rich barely looked at me. As he was signing my piece of paper, I said, very proudly,  “My drum teacher, Dante Versacci, said to tell you hello.” He looked at me briefly and said before walking away, “Really? I didn’t know he was still alive.”

I thought, “What an amazing musician and yet, not a great person.”

My brother Stan and I opened our own Jazz and Blues Club, called “One Night Stans.” We had some of the best musicians perform on our stage. We had absolute legends like Ira Sullivan and Billy Cobham as well as very talented local bands. What I noticed, as we hung out late at night, was how these players viewed their show. I would be completely blown away by their virtuosity and yet, they would be quite humble about it. They would talk about how they were still working on a piece and how they can make it better. They saw each show as a chance to continue to learn and grow. They were never satisfied and I realized that’s what made them great. They were constantly pushing themselves to move to a higher level. 

I also witnessed first hand some incredibly obnoxious and arrogant musicians come in and perform. Not surprising, they would be quite mediocre. I would see this type of behavior in other areas of business as well. 

The most intelligent and talented people I know have a hard time believing that they are  brilliant at their job. They constantly work to improve their skill set. They are always asking for constructive criticism. They seek out advice and try to learn from those they admire. 

The opposite is prevalent in people that reach a level of competence but don’t believe they need to go any further. These people are difficult to work with because they act like they are beyond reproach. They tend to be loud and intimidating. I believe they act this way so nobody questions their lack of knowledge and expertise. 

Humility is realizing that there’s always more to learn. It’s keeping ourselves open to endless possibilities. It’s not comparing ourselves to others but attaining goals that we alone are trying to achieve. 

There’s also a sense of grace when someone who has reached the top of his field wants to help and acknowledge others. We all take a chance when meeting our heroes. After all, they are human too. I've been fortunate that I have met many people that I admired and walked away feeling inspired by them. I did enjoy the opportunity to hear Buddy Rich perform live. After meeting him, I can appreciate this post on a whole other level. Thank you, Frank, for sharing a wonderful laugh with me.