I've wanted to fast forward my life for as long as I can remember. I planned my wedding and my funeral when I was six years old. On my first day of nursery school, I was already looking forward to graduating from high school. When I was in my first semester of a four-year college, all I could think about was starting an exciting career. When I began my television job, I wondered how big my retirement party was going to be. It may be normal to dream of the end game, but I do it with everything.
When I get ready to enjoy a night out with friends, I'm thinking about the close of the evening. In my mind, I'm home, back in my pj's. I like planning and being thrilled about a party or a trip. At the same time, I can't wait for the event or vacation to end. I imagine myself relishing a memory before it's happened. The problem I'm having with this speeded up timeline is, I'm not staying in the moment. I want the finish line without participating fully with the run.
I want to know the future and how my story turns out. I don't bother with psychics or fortune-tellers because I know my free will can alter my course at any time. I believe I have choices that can shape my destiny. I'm searching for a direction that will lead me to my purpose for this lifetime. I think this is the main issue. What is the reason for my existence on this planet? If I could get a glimpse that all will work out, maybe I could relax and dwell, happily, in the now. I realize this is cheating. I want the answers to the test because I'm not sure I'm studying the correct subject matter. Did I somehow miss a course of action, and now I'm doomed to wander aimlessly through my life?
I'm practicing being more mindful, and meditation helps. When I stay present, I'm aware of my breathing. I feel calm. The nervous energy that is always with me takes a break. When the feeling of not "being enough" comes over me, I stop and embrace it. The more I hold onto it, the sillier the notion becomes. I focus on my work or the person in front of me. I'm getting better at paying attention to the opportunities coming my way. I realize the foundation of all my experiences continues to build, and I can help others. When I'm working with someone to find their voice and create their message, I feel my best. I don't feel the need to rush their progress or race through the time I have with them. I've come to believe we are all here for various reasons, but in the end, it's to benefit each other.
I still want a sneak peek of the meaning of my life, but I'm not in as much of a hurry. When I do catch myself trying to decide where my ashes should be scattered, I bring myself into the present. I put on my favorite music, and I dance. I smile and appreciate all that I have right here, right now.